Difficult Feelings and Experiences
Physical Abuse
- Hitting, smacking and slapping
- Punching and kicking
- Pinching, scratching and biting
- Shaking or suffocating you
- Scalding or burning you
- Hair pulling
- Spitting or throwing things at you
- Making you swallow something that hurts or makes you feel ill, including giving you medicine when you're not ill or don't need it.
How it might make you feel
- Frightened or anxious
- Depressed and sad
- Lonely and isolated
- Like you want to self-harm or run away
- Angry
- Worthless or like you have no self-esteem
- Unable to eat normally
- Unable to sleep properly
- Numb or like you've been cut off from your feelings
- Unable to concentrate at school or college
- Guilty and worried that it is you fault - even though it isn’t
Emotional Abuse
- Calls you names
- Keeps shouting at you, even if you haven't done anything wrong
- Puts you down
- Ignores you or leaves you out of things
- Says or does things that make you feel bad about yourself
- Makes you feel like you don’t belong
- Makes you take responsibility for things you shouldn’t have to do until you’re older
- Tries to control you or put pressure on you to do things you’re not ready to do
- Treats you differently from your brothers or sisters
- Puts you in dangerous situations
- Is aggressive and violent to other people in your family and you keep seeing it
- Stops you from having friends.
Sexual Abuse
- being touched in a way you don't like without giving permission or consent
- someone flashing or exposing themselves to you online or offline
- being forced to have sex (intercourse), look at sexual pictures or videos, do something sexual or watch someone do something sexual.
How it might make you feel
- Shocked: You might feel ‘numb’ or surprisingly calm about what happened. You might feel shocked and like you can’t understand what happened.
- Embarrassed: You might be worried about what people will think and how you will tell them. Read about embarrassment.
- Guilty: You might think that it was your fault – even though this isn’t true. You could be angry at yourself for not stopping it. But you shouldn’t be angry at yourself.
- Scared: You might have flashbacks or nightmares and feel frightened about being alone. This is a natural reaction. And it’s likely that this will get better over time.
- Angry: You might want to hurt the person responsible. You may also feel like this towards yourself – even though it wasn’t your fault.
- Depressed: You could feel hopeless or sad - like you don’t have anything to look forward to anymore.
Neglect
- They seem like they haven’t washed, are dirty or smelly, or their clothes seem dirty
- They are hungry or asking for other people’s food
- They often come to school with no lunch money or packed lunch
- Their parents don’t seem to know where they are or what they are doing
- They often don’t turn up for school, or they often arrive late
- They don’t seem to have many friends
- They get sent to school even when they are really unwell
Domestic Abuse
- Physical violence
Like hitting, kicking, punching, pushing, hair-pulling. - Threats
This includes threatening to hurt you, another person in your family, or a pet. Or threatening to stop money for food or bills. - Sexual violence
Making another person do something sexual when they don't want to, or making someone watch sexual material on the internet or television. - Controlling someone's finances
This includes not allowing somebody to spend their own money. Or not giving them money for basic things such as food, nappies for babies, or clothes. - Controlling someone's life
This could include stopping someone from going to work or school. - Cultural or 'honour' violence
This includes being hurt or abused as a punishment for something that's not seen as culturally acceptable by your community or family. It can include being forced to marry someone.
How it might make you feel
- worried, scared or anxious
- angry or upset
- low or depressed
- alone, or that no one will understand
- guilty or ashamed
- numb or hopeless.
Self Harm
- Some people self-harm because it feels like a method for releasing tension. It’s a physical pain you can deal with, rather than a feeling or emotion that can be hard to cope with.
- Self-harm can also be used as a way of punishing yourself for something you feel bad about.
- Sometimes people self-harm because they feel alone, angry or not good enough.
- Self-harm can be really personal and complicated, so it’s okay if you don’t know the reasons behind self-harm.
- Some young people start self-harming after a stressful event, like being bullied or abused. It could also be a reaction to something like pressure to do well at school. It’s not always a really big thing that leads to self-harm. You might not even be sure why it started.
- cutting or scratching
- causing bruises
- banging their head against a wall
- punching a wall
- pulling out their hair
- burning
- falling over on purpose
- breaking a bone on purpose.
Feeling Lonely
- find it hard to make friends
- have moved schools and have to start somewhere new
- have been abused or bullied
- have lost someone close to you
- don’t get on with your family or live in care
- have an illness or disability
- have an eating problem or are depressed
- have ended a relationship.
Addiction
- An addiction can start if you often want to do a certain thing. Or if you do something to help you cope in difficult situations. It could be smoking or drinking alcohol. But it could also be playing online games. If doing it gives you a ‘high’ or makes you feel good, you might want to keep getting that feeling back.
- At first this might just be a habit, where you keep doing that activity a lot. This is different from addiction.
- An addiction is usually when someone feels like they can't stop doing that activity - like smoking or gambling. They might get withdrawal symptoms if they stop. For example, someone who's addicted to smoking might get angry or stressed if they stop smoking. And you might think you need it to feel normal.
- An addiction can be strange. Because you can get addicted to something if it makes you feel less stressed - like smoking. But that doesn't actually change what makes you stressed in the first place. In fact, being addicted to something can make you feel more stressed.
- smoking, alcohol or drugs
- online porn
- masturbation, sex or sexting
- self-harm
- video games
- being online
- eating or food.
Depression
- People sometimes say they're feeling depressed when they're having a bad day. But ‘depression’ is actually an illness that can have a big effect on people’s lives. A doctor can help you to find out more about depression.
- It’s more serious than just the ‘down’ feeling that you may feel sometimes if you’ve had a bad day. And young people can suffer from depression just like adults do.
- Depression is a mental health issue. And it’s a bit like a physical illness, because people don’t choose to have depression.
- bullying
- sexual abuse
- assault or physical abuse
- the death of someone you love
- drug problems
- exam stress
- worries about sexuality.
- feeling sad or anxious most of the time
- not enjoying things that you used to enjoy
- tiredness or low energy, even when you have rested
- not eating much or overeating
- problems sleeping
- feelings of worthlessness
- feelings of guilt
- mood swings
- aches or pains that have no obvious cause
- not wanting to see people or go out.
Grief
- like you can't handle things
- confused
- scared, numb or that you've lost control
- worried that you may never feel okay again.
You might have trouble believing that the person has died, or feel like you can't take it in. You might have thoughts and feelings that you haven't felt before.
You might be angry at other people, or at the person who has died. It's also normal to be angry with anything else, even normal things that you aren't usually bothered by. All of these feelings are natural reactions to losing someone you love.
You might be blaming yourself in some way for what's happened. Maybe you had an argument before they died. Or regret something you said or did. There might be something you wish you could've done. It's normal to be left with these difficult feelings. But it's important not to blame yourself.
It might help to ask yourself what the person you’ve lost might say about your feelings. Would they want you to feel responsible for things in the past that can no longer be changed? What might they say to you if they were still able to talk to you?
It may seem like everything has changed very suddenly, or you might not know what's going to happen next. This can feel very scary. You might also be worried about practical things like money or where you're going to live. Things may not be the same. But that doesn't mean things won't get easier or less scary in the future.
Some young people get scared that someone else will die as well. Sharing your fears with someone you trust can help to make you feel more secure when things are feeling difficult.
If someone was very ill or suffering you might feel relief that their pain has stopped. You might feel relieved or happy if someone who was hurting you or abusing you has died.
It’s okay to feel relieved. Your thoughts and feelings are normal. It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you feel.
You might feel like life has no meaning anymore and you don't know how to go on. You may feel that you want to be with the person who has died. Be patient – in time you may find it is easier to cope.
Sometimes people you’re close to find it too difficult to hear about these thoughts and feelings. You may find it easier to talk to another adult that you trust or chat to a Childline counsellor. Read about coping with depression.
- scared or worried about how other people might react
- angry at the person who died
- guilty or ashamed about things you feel you could’ve done differently
- confused about why they took their own life
- feeling rejected or ignored by the person who died
- numb or relieved about someone’s suffering being over.
- miss someone after a relationship has ended
- not be allowed to see someone in your family anymore
- have a family member with dementia
- move home or change schools
- not see your family after going into care
- have moved on from services that support you.
Hope and Positivity
Anxiety
Talking with a friend, family member or someone you trust about how you feel can often help. Talking can leave you feeling calmer and more comfortable. Why not visit the anxiety message board and get support from the Childline community? It’s a good way to get things off your mind.
If you don't feel like talking right away, you could write it down. Writing a diary can be very helpful for some people. It can help you understand your feelings more clearly, making things easier to deal with. You can also keep a gratitude journal where each day you write or draw a few things that you feel grateful for.
When we’re stressed out, we often feel less confident. You might feel like you can’t do something or think you’re not good enough.
Try to challenge these negative thoughts. Replace them with positive thoughts like “I am worthwhile” instead of “I am worthless”. The more you repeat them, the more likely positive thinking will become natural for you.
Make a list of all the good things about yourself in a diary or notebook. If a negative thought appears, scribble it out and replace it with something that makes you smile.
When we're anxious, we tend to over-analyse things and thoughts start buzzing around our heads. Meditation is a helpful way to relax your mind. Find somewhere quiet, away from any distractions and let your mind clear, focusing on your breathing. You can learn more about how to meditate on the Smiling Mind website.
You could also try some deep breathing exercises. Anxiety can make your breathing faster and less deep. This can make panic symptoms worse, so it's good to practise deep breathing. Gently breathe in and out from low down in your chest, nearer your stomach. Make an effort to slow your breathing down. Breathing exercises are also a good way of controlling panic attacks.
When a problem seems really big, it can feel scary. And it can be hard to know where to start sorting it out. First of all, look at what the problem is. Think of all of the possible solutions and write down how you think things might turn out if each one happened. This will help you choose what the best solution would be.
If you still feel unsure about what to do, why not see if our problem page, Ask Sam, has any advice? You can see if Sam has already answered a similar problem, or send your problem to Sam yourself. You can always speak to a Childline counsellor who can talk things through with you some more.
Focusing your attention on something else is a good way to distract yourself and stop you feeling anxious. A detailed activity that needs your full concentration is usually most helpful. It could be a crossword, puzzle, working out the 13 times table, or counting backwards from 100. You can also take your mind off things by playing a game or using the Art box.
Paying attention to your diet can help you improve your mood. Here are some things to try:
- reduce how much sugar and caffeine you are getting. There's a lot of sugar and caffeine in coke, other fizzy drinks, chocolate, tea and coffee. This can make the anxiety worse
- try and eat balanced meals at set times. If your body is in a rhythm of regular meals you may feel less anxious
- try not to drink alcohol or take drugs as these also increase anxiety. They can make you paranoid, meaning you worry a lot about bad things happening to you and find it hard to feel safe even when things are actually okay.
A healthy diet will give you enough strength to deal with stressful situations. Having breakfast, lunch and dinner at the right times will also help your body to fit into a routine. Find out more about healthy eating and exercise.
It can also help to exercise. Anxiety releases a chemical called adrenaline, which can make you feel really shaky or light-headed. Doing things like walking, going to the gym, running or swimming helps take the adrenaline levels back down again. This can reduce the physical feelings of anxiety.
When you feel tense, try relaxing your muscles. Focus on each area of your body, one bit at a time. Tense and then relax the muscles.
Each time you manage to stop being negative or use new coping skills to manage anxiety, why not reward yourself? Make a list of things you enjoy and choose one to reward yourself with. This can be something as simple as a trip to the cinema or reading your favourite book.
Stress
1. writing or drawing how you feel
2. exercise and sports
3. planning what you do
4. having healthy food and drink
5. take deep breaths
- meditation or mindfulness
- muscle relaxation
- breathing exercises
- listening to your favourite music
- going for a walk or spending time outside
- having a bath.
Calm
• Be kind to yourself.
Think about what you'd say to a friend if they were in your position.
• Check your basic needs.
Think about whether you’re hungry, thirsty or tired - and eat, drink or rest if you need to.
• Focus on things right now.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or angry, take yourself out of the situation by pausing for 30 seconds and feeling your feet firmly on the ground or your back against a chair.
• Take a break.
Make time to listen to music, go for a walk or have a chat with family or friends.
• Take deep breaths.
Take 5 deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
• Be kind to other people.
Help yourself to feel proud or good by doing a random act of kindness like offering to wash up, make someone a cup of tea or get involved in volunteering.
• Learn to say no.
Think about yourself before others – if someone is taking up a lot of your time and it's making you stressed or upset, let them know when you need a break. See our tips for being assertive.
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can touch or feel
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste.
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